Hello internet world. I didn’t much feel like recording a vlog today as my topic I think works better in written form. I’m currently trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit listening to my favorite Christmas music. I don’t think my playlist has changed very much since at least the age of 10. Listening to Christmas music usually allows me to instantly be transported to 1,000 different happy memories. From driving around looking at Christmas lights with the family, to decorating the tree and talking about our different family ornaments there’s just way too many to even list. Traditionally I start listening to Christmas music close to the week before Thanksgiving. However, November of 2019 was full of too much homesickness and other things leading me to be way too emotional to handle it until now. At least I’ve had pretty good success for the last 15 minutes. One more update from the Pacific before I turn to the topic that I have on my mind. In case you haven’t heard, I am not going to the US for Christmas break and there’s a group of friends from school that are also not going to the US. We finally have flights to Da Nang, Vietnam, which is number 15 on NYTimes 52 places to go in 2019, so I’m pretty happy with our choice. This is after I just spent Thanksgiving in Osaka/Kobe/Hiroshima/Miyajima. So I’m finally getting to explore other parts of Japan and Asia!
This blog sparked in my head while I was getting my hair cut on Sunday and its been bouncing around in my head so I have to put it out there, even if only like four of you read the rest of this thing.
As most of you know, I have anxiety. I also have thick hair. Most of you probably know that too. I started thinking about how these things were the same.
How is anxiety the same as having thick hair?
People can’t always tell that you have it
If you have it, sometimes it can be all that you talk about.
If you try to “put it up” and forget about it, it usually hurts much worse later.
The best way to deal with it is to maintain it and see a professional.
It normally does whatever it wants to and can’t really be “controlled” like other things can be.
You always feel much better after you’ve seen someone to help deal with it.
When its really bad, everyone can tell.
How are these things different?
One can’t be taken care of by sitting in a chair while you just let the professional do all the work.
People without anxiety don’t sit around wishing that they had it too.
People with thick hair aren’t walking around trying to pretend that they don’t have it.
One of these days, this blog won’t just be about my anxiety. I just feel like I’ve lived so long pretending that I don’t have it and I just feel like I can help other people feel like they don’t have to let it hold them back. I know so many people that may be reading this right now that are just so unaware that the things they do and feel and say are a direct result of your mental health and the mental health of those who surround your daily lives.
My next blog I’ll share some pictures from Thanksgiving and Christmas vacation and some of the other things that I spend my days in Japan doing this winter! Thanks for spending some time reading this today.
またね
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Better than a celebrity....
So, I did a video blog again...maybe its easier. Maybe its not. If it’s not, you’ll probably not going to read the other one...
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Video Blog: take one
If you felt like reading my blogs needed some spicing up, you got your wish. We will see how this goes. I think it was less time consuming than typing...other than upload time thanks to the fact that I don’t have internet still. Lol.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Friday, September 13, 2019
Journal Entry: Day # 353
It’s almost funny to me that I thought that I would have a school year that was less stressful. The last four to five weeks have been honestly just as busy as last school year. And honestly, this week has been a bit rough for me in a lot of ways. So, if you’re reading this wondering what fabulous things I’m doing and want to see the positive, optimistic posts you may/may not be used to....this won’t be like that. And before you start coming up with ways to cheer me up or advice to give me, just stop. That’s not what this post is either. Think of this more as a journal entry in the life of Elizabeth, the “man behind the curtain.”
Especially after a week like this, I start to feel like the Wizard of Oz, although I don’t think I’m in charge of anything as magical as Oz. This week I was a chaperone on a high school trip, and while I’m so grateful for the experience, I’m exhausted. There was a thunder/lightning storm while I was gone and the power went out at my house on like Wednesday (?) night. Fortunately, my neighbors’ power went out and my landlord restored power that night. However, this morning none of my ACs were on any more due to the power loss, my hot water wasn’t working and my internet is down. I also have a ridiculous amount of laundry to do after just a week, but maybe its a compilation of the last three weeks of busyness that make the laundry feel like a lot. I also need to file my insurance claims to get reimbursed for some things, I need to order contacts, I need to make a chiropractor appointment, I need to change my residency status back to Texas, I need to finish lesson plans past the next two days, I need to mail packages for about five different people. I need to start/complete my online trainings before the deadline (for once). There’s a lot. And I know we all have a lot. And honestly, I’m an independent, bad ass women who can do anything she wants to, including completing a to do list. But this morning, all I can think, is that I don’t want to. At least not by myself. At this moment, I’m tired of doing things by myself.
Maybe the fact that in my “main circle” of friends back in Texas I’m now the lone wolf so to speak is having a strange delayed effect on me. Maybe I’m just really freaking tired because I’ve literally done SO MUCH just in the last month. From flying back to Japan, starting school, flying back to the US, then back to Japan, then preparing things to be gone for a week, to working for a whole week from 7 am to 9 pm and socializing with a whole bunch of new people, to getting stuck in a traffic jam for four plus hours. I have plenty of reasons to be tired. Lol. It would be awesome if I could just like fade into the background for a few weeks and just sort of like catch up on life, or catch up to my life. Maybe this will like fade into the background as well.
It’s somewhat ironic that this post is mostly about not wanting to do things on my own anymore, when I’m so grateful to have some quiet time with out people today. A friend invited me to play Pokémon with her, and most of the time, I push past the urge to say no and say yes and have a fantastic time. But I felt very certain that would not be true for today. Fortunately, the weather in Tokyo is DELIGHTFUL. Like, there could be a tad bit more sun and it would be a perfect day in my books. But I’m sitting at one of the local train stations, I have some gluten free baked goods from a local bakery and a delicious salty caramel latte from Tully’s, sitting outside listening to the trains, buses, outdoor big screen and a super emo playlist, writing this blog. Afterwards, I’m going to go play some solo Pokémon, find me some delicious gyoza, find a big claw machine room and just enjoy a day doing whatever I want. So I’m happy, I’m just tired.
I keep imagining people writing comments on here about how I just need to “be patient” and “wait for the right person” and honestly those two sentences might be the single most frustrating sentences that someone can say to me. Other than, here’s that pickle you asked for. Ugh!! Lol. I don’t need words of encouragement or any other bs thing. I just need some understanding for the next week or so while I “recover” and say no to a lot of social engagements, while I eat lunch in my room instead of the work room, while I probably ignore your text messages/snapchats if they require direct conversation. Except for you mom and dad. Your daily video chats shouldn’t stop. :)
I guess I should put a few things about Japan in here to make it officially part of the blog. This Friday I’m going to my first “Japanese baseball game” and I’ve signed up for a wine festival with some friends in a few weeks. I’m approaching my one year mark here, September 26th. I’m getting more determined to actually learn Japanese the longer I’m here. I tried the corn from a vending machine last night, my kids on the trip convinced me it was good and it was pretty much the only food option we had. It was way better than the vending machine “Iced Mocha” that I had.
In other news, I keep having this dream that I’m cutting big chunks of my hair off with a big pair of scissors, just a big chunk and always out of anger. I’ve had it probably like five times in the past ten days, anyone have any insight on this dream? (Yes, now I want your opinion...Hahahaha)
Well, my watch just told me that it was time to get up and move. So I gotta go catch em all....
Until next time
Especially after a week like this, I start to feel like the Wizard of Oz, although I don’t think I’m in charge of anything as magical as Oz. This week I was a chaperone on a high school trip, and while I’m so grateful for the experience, I’m exhausted. There was a thunder/lightning storm while I was gone and the power went out at my house on like Wednesday (?) night. Fortunately, my neighbors’ power went out and my landlord restored power that night. However, this morning none of my ACs were on any more due to the power loss, my hot water wasn’t working and my internet is down. I also have a ridiculous amount of laundry to do after just a week, but maybe its a compilation of the last three weeks of busyness that make the laundry feel like a lot. I also need to file my insurance claims to get reimbursed for some things, I need to order contacts, I need to make a chiropractor appointment, I need to change my residency status back to Texas, I need to finish lesson plans past the next two days, I need to mail packages for about five different people. I need to start/complete my online trainings before the deadline (for once). There’s a lot. And I know we all have a lot. And honestly, I’m an independent, bad ass women who can do anything she wants to, including completing a to do list. But this morning, all I can think, is that I don’t want to. At least not by myself. At this moment, I’m tired of doing things by myself.
Maybe the fact that in my “main circle” of friends back in Texas I’m now the lone wolf so to speak is having a strange delayed effect on me. Maybe I’m just really freaking tired because I’ve literally done SO MUCH just in the last month. From flying back to Japan, starting school, flying back to the US, then back to Japan, then preparing things to be gone for a week, to working for a whole week from 7 am to 9 pm and socializing with a whole bunch of new people, to getting stuck in a traffic jam for four plus hours. I have plenty of reasons to be tired. Lol. It would be awesome if I could just like fade into the background for a few weeks and just sort of like catch up on life, or catch up to my life. Maybe this will like fade into the background as well.
It’s somewhat ironic that this post is mostly about not wanting to do things on my own anymore, when I’m so grateful to have some quiet time with out people today. A friend invited me to play Pokémon with her, and most of the time, I push past the urge to say no and say yes and have a fantastic time. But I felt very certain that would not be true for today. Fortunately, the weather in Tokyo is DELIGHTFUL. Like, there could be a tad bit more sun and it would be a perfect day in my books. But I’m sitting at one of the local train stations, I have some gluten free baked goods from a local bakery and a delicious salty caramel latte from Tully’s, sitting outside listening to the trains, buses, outdoor big screen and a super emo playlist, writing this blog. Afterwards, I’m going to go play some solo Pokémon, find me some delicious gyoza, find a big claw machine room and just enjoy a day doing whatever I want. So I’m happy, I’m just tired.
I keep imagining people writing comments on here about how I just need to “be patient” and “wait for the right person” and honestly those two sentences might be the single most frustrating sentences that someone can say to me. Other than, here’s that pickle you asked for. Ugh!! Lol. I don’t need words of encouragement or any other bs thing. I just need some understanding for the next week or so while I “recover” and say no to a lot of social engagements, while I eat lunch in my room instead of the work room, while I probably ignore your text messages/snapchats if they require direct conversation. Except for you mom and dad. Your daily video chats shouldn’t stop. :)
I guess I should put a few things about Japan in here to make it officially part of the blog. This Friday I’m going to my first “Japanese baseball game” and I’ve signed up for a wine festival with some friends in a few weeks. I’m approaching my one year mark here, September 26th. I’m getting more determined to actually learn Japanese the longer I’m here. I tried the corn from a vending machine last night, my kids on the trip convinced me it was good and it was pretty much the only food option we had. It was way better than the vending machine “Iced Mocha” that I had.
In other news, I keep having this dream that I’m cutting big chunks of my hair off with a big pair of scissors, just a big chunk and always out of anger. I’ve had it probably like five times in the past ten days, anyone have any insight on this dream? (Yes, now I want your opinion...Hahahaha)
Well, my watch just told me that it was time to get up and move. So I gotta go catch em all....
Until next time
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
One of these things..
First things first, by the time this blog is published to the interweb for your enjoyment, I will have been alive for 12,783 days officially! I don't know if I've ever written a blog on my birthday, I'm certain that I've never started my birthday by writing one. It wasn't my original plan for this evening, but I came to my parent's dining room to work on some school stuff that I've been putting off until this week and decided to write the blog that's been in my head for two months, lol. Is 35 the year that I stop putting EVERYTHING off until the last minute...asking for a friend! This blog might be a bit of random things put together, but really haven't they all?
...is not like the other
Many of you know that I started working out with a personal trainer in March of this year and the way that I've shown my progress is my taking photos. The scale is a stupid way to decide whether or not you're making progress. So sometime before I came to Texas, one of the pictures in the collage at the left showed up on my Facebook memories and I started thinking about it. This seems appropriate to reflect on as my birthday starts. (I mean technically, my birthday started several hours ago in Japan...so)
So looking at those pictures now that I'm 35, there's really only one difference that I see right now. Only one of those people doesn't look at herself and only see her weight.
So lets start with the photo at the bottom left. That is Lizzy, she is 14 years old and on her way to her freshman formal. She doesn't feel good about the fact that she had to buy a size 12 dress because her best friend Jamie had to special order a size Zero dress. It may not look like it from that photo, but she is afraid of just about everything.
Next photo is top right. That is Yzzil, a 19 year old sophomore who is less afraid but very unsure of everything. She has this feeling that she doesn't really fit in, that is emphasized by her weight. Then there's top left, that's Elizabeth. She is 33 and has really started to find happiness in herself but is really not sure what that means.
Then, there's "present day" Elizabeth. Her weight is no longer the first thing that she sees. She is no longer hiding behind whatever it was that used to hold her back. I wish it would have taken less time to be able to recognize that people don't see my size, they see me as a person. I think there are lots of times that I feel like I'm still hiding behind something and people aren't actually seeing me for me.
Another one.
I'm doing something this next school year, that I've never done before, and I guess now that it is on the internet, there's no going back. I've decided to like decorate my classroom! Yeah, like with a theme and everything. My theme is "fiesta"...I think mostly to make up for how much I miss Mexican food in Japan, but also because I can mostly just use bright colors and it fits. But I've made a few things to hang up in my room for this next year. I was hoping to have more lessons and things figured out, but I'm having some sort of mental block. Maybe it has to do with my deep desire to only do things at the last minute! lol
The only one.
So, I wanted to take a brief moment to record this last school year. A year ago at this time, I was gearing up for another school year at Maxwell. I started one school year on August 7th or something and another school year like September 27th. I really had no idea what I was doing in that second start. I had no idea I was teaching at a school with a block schedule. I did just as many things wrong as I did that first year of teaching. It took a long time for me to get in the groove. It was full of disheartening moments that made me questions everything. There were lots of days that I felt like I had no clue what I was doing at all. I had to remind myself that struggles like this school year are how we grow. Maybe this school year is why I'm having a hard time coming up with like a lesson plan for this school year. Plus, I have to miss four days in the first week to come back to the US for a wedding.
One Day More.
As I prepare to start year 36 of the Elizabeth saga of life, I'm reminding myself of a few things that I've learned.
...is not like the other
So looking at those pictures now that I'm 35, there's really only one difference that I see right now. Only one of those people doesn't look at herself and only see her weight.
So lets start with the photo at the bottom left. That is Lizzy, she is 14 years old and on her way to her freshman formal. She doesn't feel good about the fact that she had to buy a size 12 dress because her best friend Jamie had to special order a size Zero dress. It may not look like it from that photo, but she is afraid of just about everything.
Next photo is top right. That is Yzzil, a 19 year old sophomore who is less afraid but very unsure of everything. She has this feeling that she doesn't really fit in, that is emphasized by her weight. Then there's top left, that's Elizabeth. She is 33 and has really started to find happiness in herself but is really not sure what that means.
Then, there's "present day" Elizabeth. Her weight is no longer the first thing that she sees. She is no longer hiding behind whatever it was that used to hold her back. I wish it would have taken less time to be able to recognize that people don't see my size, they see me as a person. I think there are lots of times that I feel like I'm still hiding behind something and people aren't actually seeing me for me.
Another one.
I'm doing something this next school year, that I've never done before, and I guess now that it is on the internet, there's no going back. I've decided to like decorate my classroom! Yeah, like with a theme and everything. My theme is "fiesta"...I think mostly to make up for how much I miss Mexican food in Japan, but also because I can mostly just use bright colors and it fits. But I've made a few things to hang up in my room for this next year. I was hoping to have more lessons and things figured out, but I'm having some sort of mental block. Maybe it has to do with my deep desire to only do things at the last minute! lol
The only one.
So, I wanted to take a brief moment to record this last school year. A year ago at this time, I was gearing up for another school year at Maxwell. I started one school year on August 7th or something and another school year like September 27th. I really had no idea what I was doing in that second start. I had no idea I was teaching at a school with a block schedule. I did just as many things wrong as I did that first year of teaching. It took a long time for me to get in the groove. It was full of disheartening moments that made me questions everything. There were lots of days that I felt like I had no clue what I was doing at all. I had to remind myself that struggles like this school year are how we grow. Maybe this school year is why I'm having a hard time coming up with like a lesson plan for this school year. Plus, I have to miss four days in the first week to come back to the US for a wedding.
One Day More.
As I prepare to start year 36 of the Elizabeth saga of life, I'm reminding myself of a few things that I've learned.
- Anything can happen For the last five years or so, I've imagined living in another country but wasn't sure I would be able to make it happen. Now I'm living in Tokyo, Japan and I'm incredibly happy doing so.
- Timing is everything This December, one of the many great women role models that I've had in my life passed away while I was home for Christmas break. I am so grateful that I got to be with my family during that time.
- Timing sucks too About two weeks after I got to Japan, my mother got sick. Her illness is her story, but being far away has been difficult to say the least. However, it has brought us closer together too. I start every school day with a Marco Polo video from my mom and end a lot of days with one from my dad since he usually gets up pretty early.
One way or Another
I'm always preparing myself for the fact that I don't have any idea what this year is going to bring me. Here's hoping that whatever it is, my next year includes laughter, love, friends, family, wine and LOTS of ADVENTURES. I mean...I went whitewater rafting this year...who ever thought that would have happened!
Until next time~
Also, I've decided that I'm not proofreading this...so forgive the grammar and errors that are sure to exist.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Do over
So it’s finally Spring Break and I honestly started to wonder if it was ever going to be here...with my friends in the States on break weeks ago and a whole series of like just bad days especially emphasizing the lack of a break.
What’s ironic (or something) is that the last few weeks I’ve had all these ideas for a blog, but no time to post them. Now, I have time and my brain has like really taken a break that I really don’t remember what I wanted to write about at the time. However, I have some new stuff on my mind, so I’ll share that. Sit back and relax as you take a trip into the scary world that is my head...at least the stuff suitable for the internet.
As I sit here gathering my thoughts and deciding where to start, the first thing that comes to my mind is my insisting from the age of like 19-25 that I had absolutely no regrets. I currently regret that a little bit right now, all though, as I declared back then, those things that I regret are the things that made me who I am...so there’s that I guess...So yesterday I went to Disney Sea with two of my new friends (Joe- I don’t know if you’re reading this but I’m not calling my coworkers that are my friends my coworkers anymore....its a shift but one of truth). Anyways, my friends were Heather and Rob and we are very new friends so we spent a bit of time talking and getting to know about each other. I started talking about me being shy when I was younger, which some of you may be shocked by, but other’s remember “Coat- rack Lizzy” from my early college days. I never wanted to be shy, but I just completely lacked any amount of confidence to overcome that. I regret not getting to know more people when I was younger, in some ways. Fortunately for me, there was a small group of people who like saw through that or something and slowly over the years, I became who I am today. There are moments, especially when I’m put in a new situation (Hello...I’m in Japan) that I’m suddenly 16 again and completely certain that I’m a complete fraud and everyone will discover it at any moment.
I hope this isn’t too rambling, scatterbrained nonsense...I warned you. Lol
Anyways, in some weird shift of time and space, I’m completely certain that moving to Japan was the right move for me at this point in my life, more and more everyday. Even as I watch my best friends’ children grow up through my little like six inch screen, or make a few stumbles professionally. I can see how everything like lined up over the years to get me ready for today. Yesterday, my friend Rob said “If you’re not happy with your life, it doesn’t matter where you’re living. You’re just not going to magically be happy.” (Or something like that) And as I always do, I took a moment to reflect and make sure that wasn’t true about me. But then I realize that I didn’t leave Amarillo (or Montgomery) because I wasn’t happy. In fact, I was very happy with my life. Some of the best people I know were (and still are...I think) my friends and family and support system. I left because I felt like there was a different sort of happiness waiting for me. Again, throughout my childhood I took so long to let people get to know like “me” like the real life version of me, that now adult me probably makes up for it more than she should. Lol. After watching people leave my life for a variety of circumstances and people helping me make the decision to not have them in my life anymore...well, the decision to be myself just seems way too easy. The new thing I’m not doing anymore is using my faults as a crutch or wall or whatever I used to use them as. Now I’m learning from them and working on changing them....somehow...
Oh, since I just experienced it just now...let me tell you about my afternoon...So it is a cold rainy day here in Tokyo, in fact like 25 km west of here or so, its snowing! So instead of walking around looking at cherry blossoms, I went to a movie. I finally saw Captain Marvel in a theater experience that I knew existed somewhere....and of course it’s Japan. So it was a “MX4D experience” like in addition to the 3D glasses, the seats moved around and shook and like air flew around us when they were like shooting and flying and stuff. I had no idea that’s what I was paying WAY TOO MUCH money for, but you know...it’s Spring Break right?
Well, I forgot what else was going to share with you folks...but I’ve probably bored you all anyway. Lol. Plus I’ve taken up one of the few seats inside this warm coffee shop long enough. Time to brave the freaking cold air outside...ugh
Until Next Time..
What’s ironic (or something) is that the last few weeks I’ve had all these ideas for a blog, but no time to post them. Now, I have time and my brain has like really taken a break that I really don’t remember what I wanted to write about at the time. However, I have some new stuff on my mind, so I’ll share that. Sit back and relax as you take a trip into the scary world that is my head...at least the stuff suitable for the internet.
As I sit here gathering my thoughts and deciding where to start, the first thing that comes to my mind is my insisting from the age of like 19-25 that I had absolutely no regrets. I currently regret that a little bit right now, all though, as I declared back then, those things that I regret are the things that made me who I am...so there’s that I guess...So yesterday I went to Disney Sea with two of my new friends (Joe- I don’t know if you’re reading this but I’m not calling my coworkers that are my friends my coworkers anymore....its a shift but one of truth). Anyways, my friends were Heather and Rob and we are very new friends so we spent a bit of time talking and getting to know about each other. I started talking about me being shy when I was younger, which some of you may be shocked by, but other’s remember “Coat- rack Lizzy” from my early college days. I never wanted to be shy, but I just completely lacked any amount of confidence to overcome that. I regret not getting to know more people when I was younger, in some ways. Fortunately for me, there was a small group of people who like saw through that or something and slowly over the years, I became who I am today. There are moments, especially when I’m put in a new situation (Hello...I’m in Japan) that I’m suddenly 16 again and completely certain that I’m a complete fraud and everyone will discover it at any moment.
I hope this isn’t too rambling, scatterbrained nonsense...I warned you. Lol
Anyways, in some weird shift of time and space, I’m completely certain that moving to Japan was the right move for me at this point in my life, more and more everyday. Even as I watch my best friends’ children grow up through my little like six inch screen, or make a few stumbles professionally. I can see how everything like lined up over the years to get me ready for today. Yesterday, my friend Rob said “If you’re not happy with your life, it doesn’t matter where you’re living. You’re just not going to magically be happy.” (Or something like that) And as I always do, I took a moment to reflect and make sure that wasn’t true about me. But then I realize that I didn’t leave Amarillo (or Montgomery) because I wasn’t happy. In fact, I was very happy with my life. Some of the best people I know were (and still are...I think) my friends and family and support system. I left because I felt like there was a different sort of happiness waiting for me. Again, throughout my childhood I took so long to let people get to know like “me” like the real life version of me, that now adult me probably makes up for it more than she should. Lol. After watching people leave my life for a variety of circumstances and people helping me make the decision to not have them in my life anymore...well, the decision to be myself just seems way too easy. The new thing I’m not doing anymore is using my faults as a crutch or wall or whatever I used to use them as. Now I’m learning from them and working on changing them....somehow...
Oh, since I just experienced it just now...let me tell you about my afternoon...So it is a cold rainy day here in Tokyo, in fact like 25 km west of here or so, its snowing! So instead of walking around looking at cherry blossoms, I went to a movie. I finally saw Captain Marvel in a theater experience that I knew existed somewhere....and of course it’s Japan. So it was a “MX4D experience” like in addition to the 3D glasses, the seats moved around and shook and like air flew around us when they were like shooting and flying and stuff. I had no idea that’s what I was paying WAY TOO MUCH money for, but you know...it’s Spring Break right?
Well, I forgot what else was going to share with you folks...but I’ve probably bored you all anyway. Lol. Plus I’ve taken up one of the few seats inside this warm coffee shop long enough. Time to brave the freaking cold air outside...ugh
Until Next Time..
Friday, March 8, 2019
3-2-1
So, I'm going to keep this short and sweet....at least I sure hope so. Its sort of a multi-part blog.
So I'm going to attempt to do things like blog and journal more often. From like 2012 to 2015, I was going to weekly adoration where for an hour every week, I could sit in silence and often, that meant I journaled. Adoration is a form of prayer, but seeing as though I'm a visual learner, it made more sense for me to write out my thoughts/prayers/whatever elses during this time period. I think I filled like two books, maybe three during those three years. I bought this small set of journals, can't be more than 200 pages in 2015 and I'm still on journal number one from four years ago. I think the last entry when I looked was some time between February and June of 2018...maybe. It might have even been sooner than that. So I need to get back to that...
Another reason for the more frequent posts is the 40 acts of generosity for Lent that I really want to fully participate in this year. I started receiving emails for this probably four years ago, and I'm not sure that I've participated at a level higher than like 35%...maybe....however, this year...I'm going to do it. To help keep me accountable, I'm going to try to write a blog each week about the acts for that week. So far I've had #pledge and #peoplewatch, which was interesting because especially since I talk to so many people through my phone, I pick it up quite frequently. But today when I picked it up, I thought of what kind of act of generosity I could do for someone. Today, that meant ordering two gifts for a few friends of mine just to say "Hey, I was thinking about you and this thing I just heard about, reminded me of you." I’m not sure if that's an acceptable kind of generosity, but I don't think I have time to make that a thing...So stay tuned for other weeks...I hope lol
Lastly, one more reason for the more frequent blogs and posts, is a recent addition to my already overwhelmed routine. My personal trainer. A few years ago, I was running 5Ks, riding my bike, going to Boot Camp at Gold's Gym...then I moved to Alabama and decided that sweet tea and barbecue were way better than working out. Plus, thanks to snapchat, camera angles and a few phenomenal outfits, it became easy to hide just how out of shape I had gotten over the last few years. Today my personal trainer asked what my goal was oriented with, if it was the scale or a feeling or the mirror or clothes or whatever. I don't trust the scale...I'll step on it again when I feel like there's something worth checking. So he asked me to put on an outfit and take a picture today- both front and side view, then retake them in a week or two and see what progress I'm making to see what adjustments need to be made. Soooo. I'm being bold and brave, or whatever the saying is that says (basically) "If you're going to do something, do it boldly” So I decided to use my red pants and just a white t-shirt. My red pants, just a few short years ago, were my most favorite pairs of pants. Tonight, I had to lay down on the bed, just to get them to button and zip. So here's my moment of boldness. Here are my before pictures, no snapchat filters, no camera or fancy angles to adjust. No where to hide. Just me with all the work that I have to do....
I probably won't post another picture for a few weeks. Thanks for all the great support.
Until next time.
So I'm going to attempt to do things like blog and journal more often. From like 2012 to 2015, I was going to weekly adoration where for an hour every week, I could sit in silence and often, that meant I journaled. Adoration is a form of prayer, but seeing as though I'm a visual learner, it made more sense for me to write out my thoughts/prayers/whatever elses during this time period. I think I filled like two books, maybe three during those three years. I bought this small set of journals, can't be more than 200 pages in 2015 and I'm still on journal number one from four years ago. I think the last entry when I looked was some time between February and June of 2018...maybe. It might have even been sooner than that. So I need to get back to that...
Another reason for the more frequent posts is the 40 acts of generosity for Lent that I really want to fully participate in this year. I started receiving emails for this probably four years ago, and I'm not sure that I've participated at a level higher than like 35%...maybe....however, this year...I'm going to do it. To help keep me accountable, I'm going to try to write a blog each week about the acts for that week. So far I've had #pledge and #peoplewatch, which was interesting because especially since I talk to so many people through my phone, I pick it up quite frequently. But today when I picked it up, I thought of what kind of act of generosity I could do for someone. Today, that meant ordering two gifts for a few friends of mine just to say "Hey, I was thinking about you and this thing I just heard about, reminded me of you." I’m not sure if that's an acceptable kind of generosity, but I don't think I have time to make that a thing...So stay tuned for other weeks...I hope lol
Lastly, one more reason for the more frequent blogs and posts, is a recent addition to my already overwhelmed routine. My personal trainer. A few years ago, I was running 5Ks, riding my bike, going to Boot Camp at Gold's Gym...then I moved to Alabama and decided that sweet tea and barbecue were way better than working out. Plus, thanks to snapchat, camera angles and a few phenomenal outfits, it became easy to hide just how out of shape I had gotten over the last few years. Today my personal trainer asked what my goal was oriented with, if it was the scale or a feeling or the mirror or clothes or whatever. I don't trust the scale...I'll step on it again when I feel like there's something worth checking. So he asked me to put on an outfit and take a picture today- both front and side view, then retake them in a week or two and see what progress I'm making to see what adjustments need to be made. Soooo. I'm being bold and brave, or whatever the saying is that says (basically) "If you're going to do something, do it boldly” So I decided to use my red pants and just a white t-shirt. My red pants, just a few short years ago, were my most favorite pairs of pants. Tonight, I had to lay down on the bed, just to get them to button and zip. So here's my moment of boldness. Here are my before pictures, no snapchat filters, no camera or fancy angles to adjust. No where to hide. Just me with all the work that I have to do....
Until next time.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Best self
Editor's Note: I wrote this blog post on Feb 22, but then I got sick so I forgot to post it. I also don't feel like proofreading it now....so enjoy the ride!
I am not living my best life right now. I keep seeing videos or memes about people who are “living their best life” and I’m not doing that right now. But not really for the reasons you might be thinking.
Part of this transition that has been so difficult is that people are not getting to see what I hope is the charming side of my personality before putting up with my ridiculous self. For example, I had to send two emails out today to the faculty and staff. Now, if you’ve ever worked with me, you know what those are like. Lol. But I’d like to think that usually people have had an opportunity to see this goofy, fun loving teacher who is kind of a big nerd and says things in not always the simplest of fashions. I’m not sure if my new coworkers have all had an opportunity to see that. Nor have my students.
I know that like many people, while I have several fantastic qualities and characteristics as evidenced by my numerous friends, I also have several not so fantastic qualities that are annoying even to myself. I think that my annoying traits and quirks are much more tolerable, and maybe even endearing when you’ve seen the “good stuff.” I feel like my first impression is not the one I really want to make. Instead of getting to know this hardworking teacher who loves her job, they’re seeeing this bumbling idiot who isn’t really too sure she knows what she’s doing. (Note: I realize that I’m always both of those things, its just a matter of perception. Which one do you really want to see?)
This year of teaching has really been just as much work as my first year teaching, or it at least feels that way when comparing how little time I spent at school last year to how much time I’m spending at school this year. Or maybe it’s just balancing out differently. It was much easier to go to school on Sundays at Maxwell, usually I met Lee for brunch just a short five minute drive from school. The only thing now that’s a five minute drive from school is the BX. LOL So now, instead, I stay late at school. Just like I did those first two year’s in Midland.
I feel like this year more than ever I have changed what I’m doing in my classroom, how I’m teaching, how I’m grading, how I’m testing...sooo many times. But maybe it just feels that way because it became obvious when I got here that I couldn’t just keep doing what I was doing before. Which is true of teaching in general. Each group of students has a different set of needs and interests. The latest “invention” in my “new class” was the Rational Number Boot Camp I did as a review with my Math students. It didn’t go quite EXACTLY like I was expecting it to, but I think it helped. Since their currently taking the test, I’ll have to let you know how well my review set up worked.
It was inspired by my own personal struggles, which I shared with the students. That “one time” I got in shape a few years ago in Texas was largely due to the BOOT Camp I participated in with my roommate Elizabeth. While it is completely possible to lose weight by walking on the treadmill or elliptical for an extended period of time, it was not something I enjoyed doing. I imagine that my students have a similar feeling sitting and doing math for 80 minutes. While nothing I really do is like a singular activity that takes up those 80 minutes, I wanted something fun, fast paced that would hit all the topics necessary. I even included “workout breaks” in between some sections so that students stood up and did their choice of a short workout like 5 jumping jacks or something to keep them moving.
Some students asked if we could do more things like that and I said “I really want to, it was fun. However, I have to find a balance between doing things like that and never leaving the school building.” Which they seemed to understand quite easily actually.
Anyways, I got distracted a bit. Shocking right?
So, I guess here are a few things in my mind in regards to my best life...
1. Am I just putting too much pressure on myself to constantly live my best life?
2. How do I make sure I don’t put more pressure on myself to overcome not living my best life?
3. What are some small ways that I can start living at least my “more than mediocre” life?
I don’t have answers to those but here’s a few things I have coming down the pipe....
My friend Jenny and I are are in the process of starting sessions with a personal trainer. Maybe if I’m living my best “physical self” then other things will feel less whatever. Lol
I’m a middle school teacher, and as it was just brought up in a discussion with a friend, kids in middle school are like a different beast....I mean, when was the last time you sat down with a 12-3 year old and tried to get them to do something they didn’t want to do....It’s not easy. They’re definition of “listening” is very different from Webster.
I also have plans to write a blog in which I get input on like “putting my house together.” Because having what feels like a complete mess as a house with boxes still packed in most rooms and IKEA furniture still in boxes, is only going to cut it for so long. I mean, someday, maybe eventually, someone will come visit me. I can’t wait until the week before to start putting a guest room together...
I just want to wrap up by saying this, a lot of comparisons have been made to my time in Midland in this blog. Moving to Midland was not the wisest decision a young college graduate should make, I never made an effort to make friends outside of work. I rarely did anything but sit at home. I’m pretty sure I gained about 50 during my time there and more than likely suffered from at least some form of depression. But then I got back to Amarillo and I made a TON of new connections and all of those connections helped me to be the person that I am now. I do not feel like that same person. That’s all thanks to you fine people reading this right now. Whether you only know me as the bumbling fool, the worker bee, the daughter, the cousin, the assistant camp director, your teacher, or just your friend.
Thanks for being here. :)
Until next time...
I am not living my best life right now. I keep seeing videos or memes about people who are “living their best life” and I’m not doing that right now. But not really for the reasons you might be thinking.
Part of this transition that has been so difficult is that people are not getting to see what I hope is the charming side of my personality before putting up with my ridiculous self. For example, I had to send two emails out today to the faculty and staff. Now, if you’ve ever worked with me, you know what those are like. Lol. But I’d like to think that usually people have had an opportunity to see this goofy, fun loving teacher who is kind of a big nerd and says things in not always the simplest of fashions. I’m not sure if my new coworkers have all had an opportunity to see that. Nor have my students.
I know that like many people, while I have several fantastic qualities and characteristics as evidenced by my numerous friends, I also have several not so fantastic qualities that are annoying even to myself. I think that my annoying traits and quirks are much more tolerable, and maybe even endearing when you’ve seen the “good stuff.” I feel like my first impression is not the one I really want to make. Instead of getting to know this hardworking teacher who loves her job, they’re seeeing this bumbling idiot who isn’t really too sure she knows what she’s doing. (Note: I realize that I’m always both of those things, its just a matter of perception. Which one do you really want to see?)
This year of teaching has really been just as much work as my first year teaching, or it at least feels that way when comparing how little time I spent at school last year to how much time I’m spending at school this year. Or maybe it’s just balancing out differently. It was much easier to go to school on Sundays at Maxwell, usually I met Lee for brunch just a short five minute drive from school. The only thing now that’s a five minute drive from school is the BX. LOL So now, instead, I stay late at school. Just like I did those first two year’s in Midland.
I feel like this year more than ever I have changed what I’m doing in my classroom, how I’m teaching, how I’m grading, how I’m testing...sooo many times. But maybe it just feels that way because it became obvious when I got here that I couldn’t just keep doing what I was doing before. Which is true of teaching in general. Each group of students has a different set of needs and interests. The latest “invention” in my “new class” was the Rational Number Boot Camp I did as a review with my Math students. It didn’t go quite EXACTLY like I was expecting it to, but I think it helped. Since their currently taking the test, I’ll have to let you know how well my review set up worked.
It was inspired by my own personal struggles, which I shared with the students. That “one time” I got in shape a few years ago in Texas was largely due to the BOOT Camp I participated in with my roommate Elizabeth. While it is completely possible to lose weight by walking on the treadmill or elliptical for an extended period of time, it was not something I enjoyed doing. I imagine that my students have a similar feeling sitting and doing math for 80 minutes. While nothing I really do is like a singular activity that takes up those 80 minutes, I wanted something fun, fast paced that would hit all the topics necessary. I even included “workout breaks” in between some sections so that students stood up and did their choice of a short workout like 5 jumping jacks or something to keep them moving.
Some students asked if we could do more things like that and I said “I really want to, it was fun. However, I have to find a balance between doing things like that and never leaving the school building.” Which they seemed to understand quite easily actually.
Anyways, I got distracted a bit. Shocking right?
So, I guess here are a few things in my mind in regards to my best life...
1. Am I just putting too much pressure on myself to constantly live my best life?
2. How do I make sure I don’t put more pressure on myself to overcome not living my best life?
3. What are some small ways that I can start living at least my “more than mediocre” life?
I don’t have answers to those but here’s a few things I have coming down the pipe....
My friend Jenny and I are are in the process of starting sessions with a personal trainer. Maybe if I’m living my best “physical self” then other things will feel less whatever. Lol
I’m a middle school teacher, and as it was just brought up in a discussion with a friend, kids in middle school are like a different beast....I mean, when was the last time you sat down with a 12-3 year old and tried to get them to do something they didn’t want to do....It’s not easy. They’re definition of “listening” is very different from Webster.
I also have plans to write a blog in which I get input on like “putting my house together.” Because having what feels like a complete mess as a house with boxes still packed in most rooms and IKEA furniture still in boxes, is only going to cut it for so long. I mean, someday, maybe eventually, someone will come visit me. I can’t wait until the week before to start putting a guest room together...
I just want to wrap up by saying this, a lot of comparisons have been made to my time in Midland in this blog. Moving to Midland was not the wisest decision a young college graduate should make, I never made an effort to make friends outside of work. I rarely did anything but sit at home. I’m pretty sure I gained about 50 during my time there and more than likely suffered from at least some form of depression. But then I got back to Amarillo and I made a TON of new connections and all of those connections helped me to be the person that I am now. I do not feel like that same person. That’s all thanks to you fine people reading this right now. Whether you only know me as the bumbling fool, the worker bee, the daughter, the cousin, the assistant camp director, your teacher, or just your friend.
Thanks for being here. :)
Until next time...
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
More than an obligation
Somehow it is already closing in on February and while I’d have to go back and check it might be one of the first times in like ten years that I didn’t type up a resolution/reflection blog in the first few weeks of the new year. I’m still not sure I actually really want to reflect or resolve to do things different this year. So far the only resolution that I’ve really stuck to is to have dessert once a week, at least. I just kind of feel like the best plan for me is to have no plan.
I don’t know why I’m so anti-plan. My life is a mess, I feel certain that a plan would help get at least a few things in order. Like my house, but then I’m just like what kind of plan am I making? How do I decide like where all the things go in my house. What kind of furniture do I need to have places to put all the things that I have? Where do I put that furniture? What about the “stuff” that I sort of have but don’t use all the time? Do I store that somewhere? I’m having a hard time setting up my house, as you can see. I don’t really know how I got to the point where I’ve lived on my own for 3.5 years now and I’ve never really like completely set up my whole house. I’ve set up like parts of my house, but now I like want to have people over and I have a great house for it and I don’t know where to start. I watched like four episodes of Marie Kondo and sort of started, but again....I don’t know what to do. Lol. So I guess that’s one of my resolutions- feel like I have a real-life grown up house.
I’m also struggling to get like a daily routine now that feels like a routine and not ...I don’t know. Parts of my daily routine have worked themselves out. I start and end just about every day sending/receiving Marco Polo videos with my mom and dad. I sporadically talk to my friends in Texas and Alabama (and Kansas and New Mexico) and I hang out with my new friends here sporadicallly, both from work and not work. I have like four friends not from work that I met at a wine festival that I found on facebook randomly. I’m still trying to find a church that I like or that I will at least attend on a regular basis. Tough trying to find a new routine. I was getting used to Sunday brunches at Cawhaba House with Lee and Cheese fries and drinks with Melissa, and playing Pokemon with those ridiculous boys. Bowling and Book Club, I miss those things. I know that I’ll find new things like that. Just tough to stop missing those things. But I still miss movie nights with Tim and netflix/Wine nights with Baylie and Sunday dinners with the family. I guess I just miss them less or find other things to fill my time and enjoy all of those things when I get the opportunity to even more so. These are just the random things that popped into my head as I’m writing, so don’t feel like I don’t miss you cause your names not there. So some sort of daily routine, where I like cook dinner and take it for lunch as leftovers. That’s another resolution of mine.
Maybe the other reason I’m having trouble coming up with my usual sort of randomly placed, but usually fun resolutions, is that I feel like I’m back in survival mode having started in the middle of the year. I keep thinking my classroom is going to feel like my classroom and I have like moments where I feel like “Miss Pace” in all her glory, she says ever so humbly. But on most days, I feel like a sub, a misfit, a phony. I feel like I’m trying to be cool and the kids aren’t buying it. The problem is that’s kind of how I am. I try to be cool in a no serious way, caring very little whatsoever what they actually think about me and we have so much fun. I just haven’t felt like my classroom is fun. If I don’t feel it, how are the 12/13 year olds entrusted to me supposed to feel it. I’ve started to have more frequent moments of greatness, just need to keep on keepin’ on, I guess. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Well, I suppose that maybe a week when I’ve gotten more than like 12 hours of sleep in three nights would have produced a more cheery, optimistic blog. But, I’ve finally taken the time to actually sit down and write this out, so it’s going public. Lol. I don’t care how optimistic it isn’t. :)
Happy New Year, right?
Until next time. Sayonara.
I don’t know why I’m so anti-plan. My life is a mess, I feel certain that a plan would help get at least a few things in order. Like my house, but then I’m just like what kind of plan am I making? How do I decide like where all the things go in my house. What kind of furniture do I need to have places to put all the things that I have? Where do I put that furniture? What about the “stuff” that I sort of have but don’t use all the time? Do I store that somewhere? I’m having a hard time setting up my house, as you can see. I don’t really know how I got to the point where I’ve lived on my own for 3.5 years now and I’ve never really like completely set up my whole house. I’ve set up like parts of my house, but now I like want to have people over and I have a great house for it and I don’t know where to start. I watched like four episodes of Marie Kondo and sort of started, but again....I don’t know what to do. Lol. So I guess that’s one of my resolutions- feel like I have a real-life grown up house.
I’m also struggling to get like a daily routine now that feels like a routine and not ...I don’t know. Parts of my daily routine have worked themselves out. I start and end just about every day sending/receiving Marco Polo videos with my mom and dad. I sporadically talk to my friends in Texas and Alabama (and Kansas and New Mexico) and I hang out with my new friends here sporadicallly, both from work and not work. I have like four friends not from work that I met at a wine festival that I found on facebook randomly. I’m still trying to find a church that I like or that I will at least attend on a regular basis. Tough trying to find a new routine. I was getting used to Sunday brunches at Cawhaba House with Lee and Cheese fries and drinks with Melissa, and playing Pokemon with those ridiculous boys. Bowling and Book Club, I miss those things. I know that I’ll find new things like that. Just tough to stop missing those things. But I still miss movie nights with Tim and netflix/Wine nights with Baylie and Sunday dinners with the family. I guess I just miss them less or find other things to fill my time and enjoy all of those things when I get the opportunity to even more so. These are just the random things that popped into my head as I’m writing, so don’t feel like I don’t miss you cause your names not there. So some sort of daily routine, where I like cook dinner and take it for lunch as leftovers. That’s another resolution of mine.
Maybe the other reason I’m having trouble coming up with my usual sort of randomly placed, but usually fun resolutions, is that I feel like I’m back in survival mode having started in the middle of the year. I keep thinking my classroom is going to feel like my classroom and I have like moments where I feel like “Miss Pace” in all her glory, she says ever so humbly. But on most days, I feel like a sub, a misfit, a phony. I feel like I’m trying to be cool and the kids aren’t buying it. The problem is that’s kind of how I am. I try to be cool in a no serious way, caring very little whatsoever what they actually think about me and we have so much fun. I just haven’t felt like my classroom is fun. If I don’t feel it, how are the 12/13 year olds entrusted to me supposed to feel it. I’ve started to have more frequent moments of greatness, just need to keep on keepin’ on, I guess. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Well, I suppose that maybe a week when I’ve gotten more than like 12 hours of sleep in three nights would have produced a more cheery, optimistic blog. But, I’ve finally taken the time to actually sit down and write this out, so it’s going public. Lol. I don’t care how optimistic it isn’t. :)
Happy New Year, right?
Until next time. Sayonara.
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