Somehow it is already closing in on February and while I’d have to go back and check it might be one of the first times in like ten years that I didn’t type up a resolution/reflection blog in the first few weeks of the new year. I’m still not sure I actually really want to reflect or resolve to do things different this year. So far the only resolution that I’ve really stuck to is to have dessert once a week, at least. I just kind of feel like the best plan for me is to have no plan.
I don’t know why I’m so anti-plan. My life is a mess, I feel certain that a plan would help get at least a few things in order. Like my house, but then I’m just like what kind of plan am I making? How do I decide like where all the things go in my house. What kind of furniture do I need to have places to put all the things that I have? Where do I put that furniture? What about the “stuff” that I sort of have but don’t use all the time? Do I store that somewhere? I’m having a hard time setting up my house, as you can see. I don’t really know how I got to the point where I’ve lived on my own for 3.5 years now and I’ve never really like completely set up my whole house. I’ve set up like parts of my house, but now I like want to have people over and I have a great house for it and I don’t know where to start. I watched like four episodes of Marie Kondo and sort of started, but again....I don’t know what to do. Lol. So I guess that’s one of my resolutions- feel like I have a real-life grown up house.
I’m also struggling to get like a daily routine now that feels like a routine and not ...I don’t know. Parts of my daily routine have worked themselves out. I start and end just about every day sending/receiving Marco Polo videos with my mom and dad. I sporadically talk to my friends in Texas and Alabama (and Kansas and New Mexico) and I hang out with my new friends here sporadicallly, both from work and not work. I have like four friends not from work that I met at a wine festival that I found on facebook randomly. I’m still trying to find a church that I like or that I will at least attend on a regular basis. Tough trying to find a new routine. I was getting used to Sunday brunches at Cawhaba House with Lee and Cheese fries and drinks with Melissa, and playing Pokemon with those ridiculous boys. Bowling and Book Club, I miss those things. I know that I’ll find new things like that. Just tough to stop missing those things. But I still miss movie nights with Tim and netflix/Wine nights with Baylie and Sunday dinners with the family. I guess I just miss them less or find other things to fill my time and enjoy all of those things when I get the opportunity to even more so. These are just the random things that popped into my head as I’m writing, so don’t feel like I don’t miss you cause your names not there. So some sort of daily routine, where I like cook dinner and take it for lunch as leftovers. That’s another resolution of mine.
Maybe the other reason I’m having trouble coming up with my usual sort of randomly placed, but usually fun resolutions, is that I feel like I’m back in survival mode having started in the middle of the year. I keep thinking my classroom is going to feel like my classroom and I have like moments where I feel like “Miss Pace” in all her glory, she says ever so humbly. But on most days, I feel like a sub, a misfit, a phony. I feel like I’m trying to be cool and the kids aren’t buying it. The problem is that’s kind of how I am. I try to be cool in a no serious way, caring very little whatsoever what they actually think about me and we have so much fun. I just haven’t felt like my classroom is fun. If I don’t feel it, how are the 12/13 year olds entrusted to me supposed to feel it. I’ve started to have more frequent moments of greatness, just need to keep on keepin’ on, I guess. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Well, I suppose that maybe a week when I’ve gotten more than like 12 hours of sleep in three nights would have produced a more cheery, optimistic blog. But, I’ve finally taken the time to actually sit down and write this out, so it’s going public. Lol. I don’t care how optimistic it isn’t. :)
Happy New Year, right?
Until next time. Sayonara.
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